One of my Most Vulnerable Stories
I won't easily forget that day. How could a good mom like me feel like that? As I held my baby in my arms that day, I got this feeling that it would feel so good to throw him at the wall. It terrified me. Where did that feeling come from?
Motherhood has taught me many things, and one of them is my frailty.
I was the mom who always dreamed of being a mom. I wanted a bunch of little ones. I would be a good, patient, present mom for them. Yet once I became a mom, it was much harder than I thought. Add overwhelm and hormones to the mess. It could be a recipe for disaster.
I had also always had a judgmental attitude towards moms that I would read or hear about that would end up in jail or having their children taken away because they would harm them. Even the stories of good moms who suddenly one day took their children's lives during the postpartum year didn't seem quite real to me. In some of those cases they and others claimed they truly loved their children. They must not have truly loved their children, I thought.
Now I feel terrible for some of them who truly loved their children, but in a moment of weakness did something they will always regret. (Some moms are truly evil, and justice must always be served, regardless.) It must be horrible to live with that guilt for those who were good moms.
It's vulnerable to share this, but I need to tell my story in case there are other moms who get similar feelings, and feel as if they are the only ones. You are not. I have always been a dedicated mother who loves my children, but I felt those feelings sometimes.
Dare I say I have felt like I wished I could just hurt the toddler throwing a tantrum? Or that I felt like giving a solid kick to a crying child, even when they were not misbehaving? I almost have to whisper that I am the woman who has sent her husband a message that I felt like hurting the children, but they weren't even misbehaving.
Once I sent them over to a trustworthy neighbor awhile, because I knew that they were temporarily safer there than with me. Or other times I have gathered them in the vehicle and gone to stay with someone else a few hours, because I was scared of what the overwhelm was doing to me.
How can I anymore even start to judge someone who doesn't have the support system I have? I have a wonderful husband and family that will always be there for me. I have always wanted to be a mom, but what about the mom who is a good mom, but wasn't ready for a baby when she got one? It has been so humbling. I, who always thought I was capable, have not always been.
If you struggle with any of those feelings, know first hand that you are not the only one, and you are not alone. Seek help.
I will say that the moments I have felt like that have been very short. I shake myself back to reality quickly, and I get help. If you need, get professional help. Find someone who can help you and protect your children from something you would always regret.
It's not that the feelings themselves make you a horrible mom. Remember, it will get better. If you love your children, you are still a good mom, even if the choice you have to make means sending them away awhile to protect them from yourself.
For me the root has been overwhelm and hormonal. I am working on my health. Find what you need, even if it's professional help.
Most of all, cry for help to the Heavenly Father. He kept me from hurting my children. He brought me through those minutes. He humbled me and taught me that I am not capable on my own, that I am no better than the next woman. I need others, and I need Him.
Thanks for this. I'm sure it will help many mothers to be aware of this aspect of the motherhood.
God bless you!